The Battered Fan

With Euro Cup 2012 getting under way this past weekend, I feel inclined to talk a bit of soccer. Now I realize this subject matter only appeals to the minority of American sports fans, but there has been quite a hairy conspiracy brewing in the soccer world over the past year, and I feel I owe it to my readers to bring it to their attention. While I consider this conspiracy to be true (beyond a reasonable doubt), I will leave it up to you, the readers, to judge for yourself.

The cover-up I speak of is the most blatant cover-up of all. It’s literally covering up one’s head. Over the past 12 months, Wayne Rooney – England’s most dynamic soccer player – has undergone an incredible transformation atop of his cranium. While I fully acknowledge that my own hairline much more resembles Jason Statham than Jason Momoa, I will nevertheless throw stones and scrutinize this perplexing marvel.

You see – those of us with a ‘sunroof’ on the top of our heads needed a world-class soccer player we could truly relate to – not everyone can empathize with the genetically blessed David Beckham’s or Chistiano Ronaldo’s of the world – so we had to find our own player. That man was Wayne Rooney.

Rooney was a man that the everyday man could root for. He was a working class wanker who had overcome countless obstacles on his way to flourishing on the world’s biggest soccer stage – Manchester United. He had a tattoo with the phrase “Just Enough Education to Perform”. He dealt with spells of loneliness that only a plethora of ‘ladies of the night’ could help squelch (allegedly). He was your everyday man, dealing with everyday problems. He too, was balding.

But over the past 12 months, there has been a change in our beloved Wayne Rooney. At first, no one could quite put their finger on it. Questions like – “Does something look different about him?” and “What the hell is going on with Rooney’s head?” – quickly morphed into sheer disbelief. Phrases like – “No, Rooney would never do that!” and “Why, Rooney? WHY?!?!” – soon spewed from the mouths of his devoted, fellow-balding supporters. Yes, Rooney had done it. He had changed. He had sold out! After years of faithfully embracing the fact he was one of us – gracefully balding – Rooney did what only a man with his ridiculous wealth could dream of doing… he bought a new head of hair. Gasp!

There are allegations Rooney received a $37,500 hair transplant. Tear. Sniffle. Tear. But why, Wayne, why?!? You were our poster boy! We all believed if Wayne Rooney could gracefully accept his receding fate, then we all could! We thought we were in this together! I guess, we were wrong…

The sky-high view of soccer camera angles, ones which fully exposed Rooney’s open sky-light, must have finally cracked through the armor of our beloved icon. After all, he is only a man. Even if he was our man. I guess we should all be happy for him. Rooney made a decision to soothe his soul. You only live once. He deserves to be happy. Only it didn’t really work…

Rooney has now become the poster boy against hair transplants. The expensive fur growing atop his once-proud balding dome has transformed Rooney into an awkward, create-a-player look-a-like who exhibits the characteristics of the boy from Mad Magazine – only more strange. For all of us who once loved Rooney for our ability to relate with his struggle, we can’t help but feel a bit of satisfaction. It’s like seeing an ex-girlfriend who dumped you that is unhappy in her next relationship. It doesn’t do you any good, but you can’t help to feel a little something…

Fathers always warn their daughters not to get tattoos because “You don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.” Well, Wayne Rooney, you were our Ferrari. We can’t believe you put that bumper sticker on it. That’s that.